Just how to Apply For an Academic Job as well as Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Keep an eye out for job postings in the usual places: the Chronicle of Higher Education, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden within the Vatican library. Pay particular attention to jobs located close to the Tigris and Euphrates rivers into the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads printed in Sumerian cuneiform is going into the “definitely apply” pile. Same is true of any job that offers to pay for you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. If you’re not certain that a job is right for you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name regarding the school 666 times. If the mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely regarding the right track.

outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a newly-slaughtered ram

put the finished document in an envelope, and then position the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, that you simply should bury underneath the search committee chair’s office

be sure to include graduate transcripts, an writing that is academic, and a mummified goat fetus to create the application really get noticed

List all the worldly goods (grain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you would be willing to sacrifice to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it might concern,” throw it to the Dead Sea, and acquire ready to have fun with the waiting game.

Wake up every and check the Academic Jobs Wiki morning. Then check to see in case your bathtub is filled with blood. In case it is, congratulations! This means the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Utilising the Babylonian urn you buried under the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld to this plane of existence, he’s got infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you can expect to watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a perfect circle, that is an indication that you have now been offered a job interview (you will also receive a contact about any of it). Okay, it is time to get excited! Pack your bags! (With a crucifix that is large several copper daggers!)

Sit down using the search committee.

Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an dialect that is unknown. This could be caused by either demonic essay helper possession or a rejected sabbatical application. You should be sure. Show the chair the crucifix that is large copper daggers you brought to you. If he takes one of the daggers and carves the words “Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll understand that Pazuzu is certainly going to make all of those other committee to engage you. With the dagger, he may need more persuading if he tries to stab you. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it is a secular school try yelling something in regards to the power of innovation instead). At this stage, Pazuzu will either help you to get the job or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous smoke that is black. Regardless, you need to thank the committee due to their time, go home, and wait for the job offer/writ of excommunication to reach in your inbox.

You’ll have 5 years to publish a book, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and take a seat on an endless procession of committees, all while trying to pay off your student loans and keep the illusion of your own life. Sorry, but even an ancient demon like Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest searching for a truly malevolent supply of evil instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.